Get your heart rate up by getting your heart broken.
Sandra is a former competitive cryer (3x Regional Champion, 2019-2021) who pivoted to coaching after her legendary 4-hour crying marathon at the 2022 National Weeping Invitational was ruled "too devastating" by judges.
She holds certifications from THRUSTMAX Relationship Fitness Studio (emotional deadlift specialization), the Competitive Napping League (recovery technique consultant), and completed a 6-week residency at Brenda's Crystal Emporium studying amethyst-adjacent grief processing.
Her methodology: "Treat every breakup like a triathlon. Phase 1: Denial Sprint. Phase 2: Anger Intervals. Phase 3: Acceptance Cool-Down. Phase 4: You're dating someone new already? That was fast, but okay."
Stand under running water. Think about the playlist they made you. Let the steam and sorrow mix. Water temperature should match your emotional state: scalding.
Type a vulnerable message. Hit send. Immediately unsend. Repeat until your phone is warm and your dignity is cold. The "typing..." indicator is your metronome.
Consume one (1) full baguette while staring at a wall. No butter. No joy. Just bread and the passage of time. Pair with a single tear for optimal salt content.
Check ex's story. Analyze every pixel. Who is that person in the background? Is that a new lamp? They never bought lamps when you were together. Close app. Open app. Repeat.
Listen to the entire "Songs That Remind Me Of Them" playlist without skipping. Advanced athletes attempt this on public transit. Elite tier: do it at a coffee shop where you used to go together.
Write a raw, unfiltered letter to your ex explaining everything. Pour your soul out. Then delete it. The delete key is the real exercise. The letter was never the point.
Navigate a party where 6 people know both of you. Maintain casual composure. Laugh at exactly the right volume. When someone says "how are you doing?" answer "great!" in under 0.3 seconds.
Lie down. Do not get up. This exercise is performed in collaboration with the Competitive Napping League. Current season record: 14 consecutive hours (held by Dr. Mittens, who is a cat and therefore disqualified from human rankings but Sandra allows it).
Walk through your neighborhood saying "I'm fine" to nobody. Maintain pace. Maintain facade. If a neighbor asks if you're okay, pick up speed. Do not make eye contact with any couple holding hands.
"I designed this plan after my own breakup in 2019. By week 4, I could eat a baguette in under 5 minutes. By week 8, I had a new haircut and a pottery class. The system works."
- Coach Sandra
| WEEK | FOCUS | KEY EXERCISES | INTENSITY |
|---|---|---|---|
| 1-2 | Denial Sprint Phase | Shower Cry (3x/week), Baguette Mile (daily), "I'm Fine" 5K (2x) | Moderate Sobbing |
| 3 | Anger Intervals | Text & Unsend HIIT (4x/week), Playlist Marathon, Letter Drafting | High Fury |
| 4 | Bargaining Circuits | Instagram Surveillance (decreasing reps), Mutual Friend Dodge | Peak Delusion |
| 5-6 | Depression Endurance | Competitive Nap (daily), Baguette Mile (upgraded: with butter), Shower Cry (maintenance) | Low Energy, High Bread |
| 7 | Acceptance Cool-Down | "I'm Fine" 5K (now actually fine), New Haircut Sprint, Pottery Class | Suspiciously Calm |
| 8 | Graduation | Final Baguette Ceremony, Crystal Blessing (via Brenda), Certificate of Survival | Cautious Optimism |
| RANK | ATHLETE | EVENT | RECORD | STATUS |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| 🥇 1 | Jordan M. | Shower Cry | 47 min (unbroken) | LEGENDARY |
| 🥈 2 | Dr. Mittens | Competitive Nap | 14 hrs consecutive | DISQUALIFIED (cat) |
| 🥉 3 | Alex K. | Text & Unsend | 34 unsends in 60 sec | NATIONAL RECORD |
| 4 | Sam W. | Baguette Mile | 3 min 42 sec | CARB-LOADED |
| 5 | Riley P. | "I'm Fine" 5K | 23:07 (claimed fine) | UNVERIFIED |
| 6 | Coach Sandra | Playlist Marathon | 3 hrs 12 min (no skip) | DEVASTATING |
| 7 | Casey D. | Letter Drafting | 14 pages (deleted) | CATHARTIC |
| 8 | Morgan T. | Instagram Surveillance | Identified new lamp in 0.8 sec | CONCERNING |
| DAY | 6:00 AM | 12:00 PM | 6:00 PM | 10:00 PM |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| MON | Shower Cry | Baguette Mile | Text & Unsend HIIT | Competitive Nap |
| TUE | Letter Drafting | "I'm Fine" 5K | Playlist Marathon | Staring at Wall (free form) |
| WED | Shower Cry (double) | Mutual Friend Dodge | Instagram Surveillance | Crystal Session w/ Brenda |
| THU | Text & Unsend HIIT | Baguette Mile | Anger Intervals | Competitive Nap |
| FRI | "I'm Fine" 5K | Playlist Marathon | Shower Cry | Group Sob Session |
| SAT | REST DAY: eat bread, pet a cat, visit The Ex-Girlfriend Archive (for educational purposes only) | |||
| SUN | ACTIVE RECOVERY: pottery class, new haircut contemplation, journaling about the new lamp | |||
"Listen. Heartbreak is not the end. It is an athletic event. And you are an athlete. A messy, bread-eating, shower-crying athlete. But an athlete."
"I have trained hundreds of people through this program. Some of them are thriving. Some of them are on their third baguette today. Both are valid. Both are progress."
"Now get out there and feel your feelings with STRUCTURE and DISCIPLINE. I believe in you. Mostly."
- Sandra G-K, Head Coach, The Heartbreak Interval Training Program